It’s almost t the end of another year… not the end to me, never the end. It’s like birthdays; nothing really changes, nothing is really different… but I have a confession to make… everything I say I’m going to do, or even want… it fucking comes true. I hope that by writing this down it doesn’t make this year the exception, because in that case, remember I lie, I lie like the wind loves kites.
I can’t believe everything I did… even the little things were huge for me. I think I might die, this year was just amazing. I love my parents and my sister and brothers … I still can’t believe how my life has changed. Some changes hard, some easy (they really are never easy, but it sounds better if I say some were). I faced so many fears, and guess what?, I’m still afraid, but I know I can do it. That is what changed. From learning to wake myself from bad dreams, to kissing again, kissing someone new, to letting someone old go off to fall in love again, to taking a trip and getting lost all over the freaking city, especially next to my campus… and as we say at Georgetown… you ain’t lost if you can still move (they don’t really say that, but I think it will catch on soon), to flirting shamelessly and letting strange and funny men buy me drinks, to erasing the list of songs (and being hounded by them anyways), to playing the representative of the United States in negotiations (that was fucking scary, but I got my way in the end….). I wished it, and guess what… a negotiation seminar, for free brought to me from Harvard… as we say at Harvard, ejem… are you ready for this??? –Yeah dummy, if you want it, make it happen, and it will. ß– We, at Harvard, really know our stuff…
Then I got a scholarship, out of the blue, picked out… yes… they picked whom they deemed as the most distinguished student in the masters program (let me tell you, I don’t have the best GPA, I mean, it’s good, but not clean 100’s), and guess what… they sent me to a conference in the city where I had planned this trip (down to the breakfast) to go bungee jumping… a year later, exactly one year later I was there, and I let myself fall, I plunged into the trees, no safety net, just a harness and a few months of feeling queasy in my tummy, because, I knew I wouldn’t let myself convince myself to not jump. So I did.
It has all happened… everything I wanted, everything that could have been in my hands. I took each opportunity I had this year and enveloped my soul’s energy into it, I let the love pour out of my pores, I let myself get hurt, oh god I hurt so bad, I learned so much, I loved (almost) every class, I enjoyed every kiss, even the good bye kiss. Damn it, I didn’t want to say good-bye-.. But I knew in my heart of hearts that if I ever wanted to have a real future with someone, I had better god-damn get away from the man that doesn’t want that. That was also hard, and yes, painful. But I am a better woman for it, I am a stronger woman for it.
I learned so much, I loved so much and I was so loved.
I laughed so hard with my sister, my father, I fought with my mother, we cried and then we laughed… she laughs at my jokes, even when they are not so funny…
Danish is leaving soon, that means another good-bye. But not this year at least… this year was one too many.
OMG!! I totally forgot the weird dreams I had this year!!!
The one’s about Sam, sitting in front of me, at a table, waiting, just wanting to say something, but not.
The one about the zombies…. This time I had a SABLE and I KILLED THEM! I saved myself.
The ones about the ghosts in my room and how I learned to wake myself up from the dream by telling myself to snore really hard and loud.
The dream where I knew I was in a lucid dream and I scared myself because I remembered to flip the light switch on and off… (When I have lucid dreams, I just control things, but I had never checked with the rules from the awake world), either that or I realized I was sleep walking.
I rediscovered how much I love being in love and have saved a place for the next time it happens. I know it’s going to be great.
I’ve settled on a kick ass thesis… I’m going to write about commercial diplomacy… holy shit, that is scary for me, but I am going to do it.
By the way, I also learned what it’s like to feel really bad about getting drunk in front of the person who picked you as the most distinguished student in her program, at a wedding no less… Nice… jajaja but you know, It was O.K. a lesson well learned.
I know what it’s like to be really scared, almost paralyzed but not quite, just enough to react and survive. I know what it’s like to feel the exhilaration and the anguish, the love and the laughter.
So… this year… wow… it has been fucking amazing, and I say, to my angels, who are reading with me, whispering memories, tugging at my heart… thank you for being with me, thank you.
I hope for the following… I want my dad to get better, I want his heart to stay strong, and for purely selfish reasons. I want him to enjoy my brother and his family, my sister, me. When I get married, I want him to walk me down the aisle, when I have a baby, (like in my dream) I want him to be there. I want to make jokes with him and laugh really hard, like we always have.
I want my mom to find the joy of life again…
I want Andrée to find her happiness and never let go of it.
I want Jacques to keep on growing strong, being funny, being loved.
I want to recognize love when it comes to me. I’ve got my eyes open.
I want my friends to keep following their dreams, loves and sharing their experiences with me. I want to keep going to CU, the Forest, Restaurants, taking trips, going to parties, painting, dancing, writing, dancing on Pointe, kissing, reading, sharing these things… having tea parties, making cakes, playing Nintendo, running, eating apples, chocolate.
Life has been really good to me, and I know I need to get better and better so I can be good to it back.
I know love is the only thing that really matters, I know that it’s why I was put on this earth, to do everything I do with love… and I’m getting there. Make love to life, sounds good to me… orgasms are even better… 😉
I love the memory I have with Danish, Loana and Becky one afternoon, and I was telling them a story… I can’t remember if they liked or not, but they listened to it, and I remember how it seemed that the dj at the Coffee Shop was putting on songs that would go well with what were talking about. I love my memories with loana, #lalocuralarana, made up memories of things that are going to happen in the near future.
I love the memory of taking Sam to CU and opening up a part of my world to him, that day I felt so free to be myself and let him see me. I don’t know if he will ever understand what that was about for me, but I know that it was special for both of us.
Going to PROFECO with Andrée and León Felipe, at 5 am… we waited for hours outside…’till 9:00 am… he did it a couple more times and I don’t think I’ve laughed so much before 10:00 a.m. in my life.
Spending the –lock down influenza time- with Danish. I think we had a great time, there is no one I can spend so much time with without wanting to kick their asses. She is special that Danish, she is.
Having a tea party with one of my favorite group of friends.
Karina’s birthday was so great, I remember hugging her at the Dinamos, and I felt that we really connected that day.
Going to Georgetown, being all alone, getting so freaking lost but just having the best time ever.
Hearing my dad’s voice being so proud of me.
I’m not really done writing this. I don’t think I could ever write everything I remember from this year… but so far so good… plus, we still have a few days to go. (20, 2009 at 1:29 am)
Viernes 16 de enero. Mi cumpleaños: Danish Lasagna Alice in Wonderland Celebration
Lunes 16 de marzo Radiohead Foro Sol
Miércoles 25 de marzo. Kande Mutsaku. My heart beats upside down and to the left.
Semana Santa –Abril – H1N1! Lock Down with Danish!
Sábado 23 de mayo. Hamlet c/Sam. Bailando toda la noche con Loans -<3- . Contractura!!
Sábado 13 de junio. Read Family of Man. Party with Magnates!
Domingo 14 de junio. Georgetown!
Jueves 25 de junio. Conocí a BORIS! standing at the enterance of the Epicurean…
Viernes 26 de junio. Alexander and Nate
Sábado 27 de junio. Some songs are perfect for getting ready to take a trip. The prepare the soul for movement. Some are for going back home. Good-bye M street, Good-bye Whitney and the Dark Side of the Moon. (Boris is coming home with me).
Lunes 29 de junio. That is life. you go along and suddenly puff puff. Merlin’s Beard.
Sábado 11 de julio. I kissed Mr. Peabody on his birthday. It was wonderful… I wonder if we will ever kiss again?
Sábado 8 de agosto. Tea Party with Nortelitos!
— Vere’s Good – Bye Party
13 de septiembre. No, no tienes que ser como yo, ni yo como tu. ni lo quisiera.
Las canciones persiguen recuerdos de ti, recuerdos de ti. Ya no las invoco yo, es que están ligadas. Ya no las invoco yo.
Sábado 26 de septiembre. Call me old fashioned, but love is not a modern thing. A timeless feeling. sanctimonious art. Is there a place for the modern? For social conventions and moral? No, love is the Ethics and the instinct.
Sábado 10 de octubre. Boda de Julio y Ceci! Road Trip! Norma, Eloy, Marina y Nena!
Sábado 17 de octubre. Loans-Danish-Ranish!
Viernes 23 de octubre. Kidzania! Karina, Andrée, Gaby & David!
Sábado 24 de octubre. Peabodies discover a restraunt in Coyoacán!
Sábado 7 de noviembre. Monterrey Bungee! México Cumbre de Negocios!
Breakfast alone. I am a spy. I am a human biological weapon. //Jesus, he looks disturbed. //OK, digamos que se compone la situación en México, ¿qué pasaría con el surrealismo mágico? // Different kinds of casual. Business Casual, Ranis Casual, Casually Late.
Viernes 13 de noviembre. Curso de Negociación.
The last dance on pointe! What a run…
Time travel back to biblical times – get your mission.
Saca el moleskin! Might tool of Hemingway!
She looked like a child from afar, even no so far.
Her converse were burgeoundy. she was wearing an oversized overcoat she had lifeted from her boyfriend earlier, her face looked washed out, even the sound of the scene where the Munchkins welcome Dorothy to the land of Oz weren’t the reason she looked so young. the boy at the counter asked her if she was in university. yes, but I’m doing my master’s. The boy looked surprised. How old are you? You can’t be more than 22… well, I’m 26. Well, you look younger.
My hands remembered their place. The movements. It was a natural dance that evoked longing. Her legs familiar with the territory, the remembered how to glide, extend and contract.
A romantic to the core. Celine Dion CD: she played “Tell him” for the whole family, but specially for the boy Mauricio. Yes, I proposed –something- that afternoon. I was 14.
Kande, did you reencarnate into a fly and kiss my nose? I wish you did.